A Story of Firsts
by lori-la-strange
Summary: Ianto remembers his first wacky kiss with Jack... and some intense home truths are exchanged.
1. Chapter 1

****

Just a Ianto/Jack story for you! From Ianto's perspective. Set after Gwen's wedding.

It's a little bit sweet and a bit of angst. Bit naughty but nothing too graphic.

Be kind. Hope you enjoy.

* * *

I had to ask him didn't I?

Deep down, I knew I wouldn't like the answer - and the one he gave me was very unexpected to say the least. That's Jack though, I suppose. Totally unpredictable. Always has been since day one. Take for example, The Great Pterodactyl Debacle. Although I knew I would eventually impress him into giving me a job at Torchwood, I never expected it to happen just because he fell top of me (typical) and we had that little (_scary/exciting/guilty_) moment.

Or as Jack later put it: "What can I say Ianto? This job just fell into your lap!"

Ha-ha.

Our first kiss was an even bigger surprise to me. I'd never had feelings for another man before and although there was always something there between us, I never expected anything to develop. I never even wanted it to. Not after Lisa.

I was staying late in the Hub as usual. I'd been doing that more and more at the time, especially after nearly being killed and eaten by psychotic cannibals in the Brecon Beacons that one fine day (you don't get to say _that_ every day now do you? Unless you work at Torchwood that is). I guess it's ironic that I felt more at home in a place built on a foundation of secrets - a place that is literally on top of a world of monsters, aliens and weevils - than I did in my own little empty flat. I try not to think about what that says about me.

Anyway, I was working late again - filing or completing some laborious task that didn't even need to be done - cold coffee and pizza my only friends, when along came Captain Jack.

"Still working hard sunshine?"

_Sunshine?!_

Coughing and spluttering into my coffee I choked out a reply, "Someone's got to." I paused before going in, "And 'sunshine'?"

He smiled charmingly (the only setting that smile seems to have) before perching on my desk, "Just something I'm trying!"

"Glad you've got it out of your system sir." I said in a deadpan manner that I hoped implied _don't do it again! _though I could feel the corners of my mouth twitching, wanting to respond in kind to his grin.

"Oh I'm not even close to finishing with you yet." He answered, barely suppressing a laugh as I tried not to wonder what the heck _that_ meant.

It was strange, us bantering flirtatiously like we used to before...

Well, before he killed nearly my former girlfriend and we threatened each other furiously. It wasn't his fault - what happened with Lisa. I can see that now. But I needed someone to blame.

It hurts too much to think about her.

And he's slowly making me whole again. Fixing me.

But back to my story...

I distracted myself from Jack's attentions by shoving pizza in my mouth. Attractive, I know.

"Why are you here Ianto?"

Suddenly the humour was gone and that look was there. The _you can tell me _look.

I heaved a big sigh and remember thinking: 'Really _now_? We're going to do this _now_? With a mouthful of pizza and a charming smile? This is the perfect time for a heart-to-heart? He is so annoying!'

But instead I replied, "I'm just doing my job." And out of sheer curiosity I added, "Why are _you_ here?"

He actually looked taken aback - I mean really shocked - as if I'd asked him 'do you have sex with weevils?!' (knowing Jack...).

"And you care because...?"

"Could have asked you the same thing."

We were both on our feet now and stood so close, almost squaring off.

"... I'm worried about you."

"You shouldn't be. I'm a big boy Jack." His eyebrows went up at that. Probably thinking of the delightful innuendos.

"I guess you are..." He stepped closer and was eyeing me up and down with those insanely beautiful eyes. "But I still care."

I wanted him in that moment. Completely and desperately. It was shocking to me but I felt so lonely and I know he did too. Why else would he have been there?

I know this is Torchwood, but I wasn't going to make a move on my boss. The look in his eyes said he didn't care about that though.

When in doubt, go for the pizza. I stepped back smartly and continued to eat my slice, but not before giving him a teasing smile. See, my logic was only strange people kiss other people when they have a mouth full of food, but I guess the smile was a mistake because...

He bloody kissed me anyway. Idiot!

I remember thinking once more 'Really _now_?! We're going to do this _now_?! With a mouthful of _pizza_?! He is so annoying_!'_

And then his body moved against mine and his hands were in new places, and I found I didn't care very much anymore.

* * *

So that was our first (if slightly odd) kiss. And now comes the first time I asked him about his feelings.

I know. I'm a big, Welsh motor mouth. We never talk about us. We're just _this._

I lie in my _(our?)_ bed next to him, tracing shapes on his bare shoulder. My guard is completely down. I am relaxed, satisfied (obviously - it's _Jack_) and for the moment, content. Then he sighs.

I smile softly, "You okay?"

He rolls on to his side so we are facing each other. "Ooh yeah," he answers in a mock-dirty voice. I know he's kidding around, but I wont let him distract me. That was a thoughtful-Jack sigh and he knows it.

"Penny for your thoughts?"

"I'll give you more than that..." He says before pushing me back and laying a series of devastating kisses along my throat. Very, very distracting.

"Jack!" I hate to be the woman of our relationship, but he never wants to talk about his feelings."Ahhhh... Well done that's very distracting."

"Thank you!" He pulls back then, eyes wide in confusion (no one resists his kisses, especially not I) "What's wrong?"

He needs reassurance, "Nothing!" I hesitate, "It's just... it seems like your mind's been somewhere else all night."

A quirk of the eyebrows, "Was it not good?"

"That's not exactly what I -"

"We'll go again right now if it wasn't good Ianto Jones." He pauses, "No that can't be it... Oh dear God can it?!"

While this was slightly funny, seeing him doubt his sexual prowess in a voice that was steadily getting squeakier, I couldn't help but get a bit annoyed.

"For goodness sake Jack! Get a grip!" I shout, half-laughing as I push him away. Dating a man like Jack with a 25th Century libido can be exhausting sometimes (not that I'm complaining). Dating's a nice word for it... "I just meant it seems like your mind's been somewhere else all night AND I want to know why."

He looked at me "Oh. Well you know, busy day."

Tell me about it. Gwen's wedding was the definition of crazy. The bride who was pregnant-by-evil-shape-shifting-alien-bite was just for starters. But something about the way he avoided my eyes told me that wasn't the whole truth.

We'd danced together today. Like a real couple. His mind wasn't with me then either. Suddenly, it all clicked into place.

"Gwen."

He started, "What?"

I knew in an instant it was going to all come pouring out from me. Far too late I had realised. I never was that bright.

"You're sad, because she married Rhys." I say quietly, waiting for a reaction.

He still won't look at me. "Not exactly, Ianto."

Although I wanted to shut up, I knew I couldn't, "I know how you feel about her Jack."

He actually squirmed a little then. "No you - it's complicated. But she's happy. And that makes me happy. End of."

"But it isn't is it?" I put my hands on each of his cheeks and turn his head to face me. I wish I'd done this before inviting him back to mine. I really wish we weren't naked.

"Look I..." He didn't seem to have any words. He looks so uncomfortable. Those eyes are so beautiful, yet so old. I trace the shadow under his eye with my thumb from where Rhys had punched him.

"It's okay." I say softly, voice stronger than I feel. "I just need to know whether you want her... more than me."

I feel so pathetic saying that and his reply didn't help much.

"I don't know how I feel." My hands went limp after that. They fall into my lap. "I know I care about you very much though."

I'm ashamed to say I make a strangled noise of acknowledgement. Now I'm the one who won't look at him.

"I know I love being with you..."

What a slap in the face.

"The way you make me feel..."

Sexually, not romantically. He doesn't need to elaborate on that, but does anyway.

"The things we do..."

His hand is gripping my waist - rubbing, the other snakes into my hair. I can't help but return his fevered look, hating myself for being weak.

He makes me weak.

"I always want you."

We kiss hard. Furiously. He's gripping my body and rocking incessantly. It feels incredible. Always feels incredible. The closeness, the heat... This time it's not enough.

I tear myself away and get up suddenly. "Don't think of her and... do that to me."

He's panting on his knees in the bed, sheets scattered around him. He looks surprised and frustrated, "I wasn't!"

Maybe he's telling the truth but I'm not thinking rationally.

"Don't lie."

"Don't be such a woman then." It's funny how he can echo my earlier thoughts like that. I snap out of my rage a little, "You sound like you're in a soap opera!"

I take a few deep breaths to calm myself down and force myself to look away from his eager body.

"Jack." I try to collect my thoughts, "There's a lot of things I can put up with. But you _owe_ me." I emphasise it to imply he hurt me a little over the whole Gwen thing. I know he understands because he nods reluctantly. "I know we don't go there, but I need to know how you feel about me."

He opens his mouth.

"Really this time."

He glares, "I was just going to tell you then you interrupted me." He sighs and tries the charm approach again, much to my chagrin, "How about I show you how I feel?"

I shiver. Damn, he's so convincing. I could let him win. Back down and let him screw my brains out until I don't care anymore anyway. Ignorance is bliss. Being in Jack's arms is even better... No!

I scoop up a sheet and cover myself from the waist down, folding my arms resolutely and shaking my head.

He sighs in defeat, "Fine! It's like I said, I always want you. It's quite annoying actually, when I'm trying to be Mr Boss Man and all..."

"That's just sex Jack." I say wearily, suddenly exhausted.

"No it isn't." He protests, sounding childish.

"That's all this is really isn't it?" I gesture between us. "Just a blip in time for you." He opens his mouth to protest but I cut him off, "I heard you at the wedding when Gwen asked what you'd do without her."

__

"Work, pizza... Ianto!"

"I'm just a joke to you." I look down and mumble: "A play-thing."

Suddenly, his hands are on my shoulders, digging in so hard it hurts.

"Is that what you think?" His voice cracks, his eyes are blazing, "Ianto, you mean more to me than... You light up my life okay? Happy now? You've made me sound like a teenage girl!" He laughs and releases me before he begins pacing around my room. "And I act like one too! I have to force myself not to smile when you enter the room, because that's not me Ianto." He swoops closer (_still naked...). _"I get stupidly excited when you're around and when we're alone... I _have_ to touch you. I can't _not_. I need you to know you're _mine_. That's why you think it's all about the sex to me - but it's your fault! In case you haven't noticed, you're quite the hottie!"

I blush at this point - we're back to sex again. Well, that is very Jack.

What he says next is such a change of direction, it manages to shock me. His tone is no longer frantic, but gentle.

"You've got such a good, kind heart Ianto Jones. I'd be lucky to even own a part of it some day." His hand is on my cheek, stroking softly, "And when you look at me... It makes me... it makes feel like I'm a much better person than I really am. But when you look at me... it's like I could actually be that person, because you believe it. And that scares me more than I want to admit. I'm scared of change." His eyes lock with mine. "I'm scared of letting you down."

He does look scared. He looks confused, anxious, wide eyed and... Naked. Naked in every sense. Although my first instinct was to kiss him after hearing him say such beautiful things, it would feel like taking advantage.

"Jack..." I reply softy, "You never could let me down." Not true, but it's what he needs to hear. "And you know I am."

"What?"

"Yours."

Okay, then I kiss him. How could I not? You heard the speech. I think that's the closest I'll ever get to hearing jack say he loves someone. So I let him express himself in other ways, I get back into our bed and let him love me.

As he falls asleep in my arms I thank him for opening up to me. He replies with a happy "No problem" that's so casual I can't help but laugh. It meant more to me than I'll ever let him know.

When I'm sure he's asleep, I tell him the truth. I tell him he doesn't have to worry about one day owning a piece of my heart.

He owns it anyway.

* * *

**Thanks for reading, please tell me what you think.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Just a chapter for those who were lovely enough to review and wanted more. Thanks for the alerts and faves too.**

**AN: I wrote the majority of this chapter when I was sleep deprived (and hung-over but the less said about that the better!). I couldn't remember what I'd written until I opened the document today and read the humble ramblings you see before you! It made me laugh so I decided to publish it anyway! Please be forgiving! Here we go...**

**

* * *

**

_I really need to lose myself. Lose myself in old, pleasent memories, because I just can't take this pain I'm in right now..._

It was Jack's fault. Completely and utterly.

I mean, I guess it was mine a little as well, but mostly... Yes, it was him.

I am of course referring to the first time my fellow employees realised there was something going on between me and Jack, I mean. And it's all because Captain Jack Harkness doesn't do subtlety at all. NOT AT ALL.

I should've known this from the start. My first inkling to this now painfully obvious fact happened on my very first day of work in the Torchwood Hub 3. He was giving me the standard tour - well I say standard tour and I suppose it _was_ - he introduced me, showed me the filing system (incorrectly by the way) etc _-_ all normal. Except for the fact that my new employer kept saying things like:

"Here's the cells where we keep weevils and other little alien nastys. They really need cleaning, now there's a job for you!"

And:

"This is where we keep the pterodactyl - thanks for helping me get her here by the way. We're calling her Myfanwy. I assure you, if she was a he, it'd be Ianto..."

And not forgetting that old classic:

"Yes that's a severed hand in a jar - just don't poke it!"

Not that I was planning on doing that anytime soon but a_nyway_, it did occur to me that maybe he was just a little bit strange. It also occurred to me that I was actually disappointed that he was being so cordial and boss-like with me. This was very bad, considering why I was really there in the first place. I had to keep reminding myself of her. I was doing it for her.

I try not to let myself think about that now though.

As I was saying, he was being very professional with me, until we got to the tourist, reception desk that is. He told me that my job would be to dutifully man it which I accepted gladly, grateful for any excuse to get into Torchwood.

"So that's the grand tour of our humble home Ianto Jones." He gave me a charming smile that I automatically returned. "Welcome to the team."

Then he leaned forward to shake my hand, taking me by surprise. His hand was pleasantly warm and strong (I could tell from his grip -that thought made my mind temporarily misbehave I can tell you). As his deep blue eyes bored into mine I found myself recalling the way his body felt against mine during the Night of the Pterodactyl. And I remembered it felt pretty damn good to my dismay. I should not have felt that way about anyone else but her, especially not a man. _Especially_ not Jack. So I tore my thoughts away and reluctantly broke contact with him.

"Thanks." I hastily said. He was still staring intently at me and there was so much electricity between us that I was surprised my hair wasn't standing on end. Too many confusing signals, I had to break the tension, "So aside from reception duty and my incredible coffee skills - which I assume you will require - is there anything else I should know about?"

"Oh yes," he said, totally deadpan. "Now you're part of the team you know you have to sleep with me right?"

My eyebrows rose to extreme heights and I resisted the urge to start choking. Or laughing. Nervously.

__

Is he serious?!

Deciding - for the sake of my mental health - that he was _probably_ joking, I replied in a bored tone that I was extremely proud of: "Hmm think I'll have to check my contract again sir."

He laughed then, "I assure you it's all in there! And I really do like this 'sir' business. You'll have to call me that more often."

"You're the boss." I heard myself reply on autopilot, trying to keep a straight face.

The atmosphere changed suddenly as he stepped closer. It was more charged. I was hyper-aware of him. "I love the way you talk." He whispered, running a hand down my arm as I discovered I was finding it harder to breathe.

So near. It would have been easy to close that gap with my lips.

__

Lisa.

Once more, I step away. It's like some kind of bizarre dance. Maybe that's all we ever did. "Thanks for saying so. I see I will probably have to file for sexual harassment in the workplace. Such a shame!"

There's the smallest look of confusion in his eyes. I should be falling at his feet... But then he lets out that sunny laugh again, "Nothing ruffles you does it?" He sighs (sounding a little... hurt?), "Let's get to work then..."

So you can see, Jack does not do subtlety. So naturally that's how the others found out about us too. Many months later. After Lisa. After our first kiss, our first everything...

And it all started so _well_.

* * *

__

Are you wearing the Cute Suit today?

I unsuccessfully try to suppress a smile as I work my magic on the coffee machine (that inexplicably, never seems work for the others). I place my mobile on the Hub mini-kitchen unit, attempting to ignore the text message for a little while. Just for effect of course. Don't want to look too eager...

I manage to resist for almost two minutes - new record.

__

Maybe... Leave the rhyming to me sir, I'm much better at it after all

I pour four steaming mugs of hot coffee, smiling to myself when I realised I was in fact wearing Jack's favourite suit of mine. Purely by coincidence of course. The phone buzzes.

__

There are many things you're VERY good at Ianto ;)

I let out a little bark of laughter (a smiley wink?!) and wonder whether that falls under the category of sexual harassment in the work place. I pause for a while, constructing the perfect response.

__

That's very kind of you sir. My coffee skills are second to none.

Admittedly it's not that perfect. But I know that my refusal to rise to his flirting (so to speak) will infuriate him in a really good way. In the kind of way that may make him swoop in here and sexually harass me in person. This is never a bad thing, at least not in my opinion.

To my delight, another message flashes up straight away. Someone's eager...

__

Ha-ha. I was thinking more along the lines of when you -

"Ianto?"

I briskly shut my flip-phone with a harsh snap.

"Morning Gwen." I'm not blushing. I'm NOT. "Coffee?" I almost knock the mugs over in my haste to act natural. Don't get me wrong, I'm hardly a prude. I've only recently started to do things with Jack that I could never have imagined previously (with a stop watch and all - don't ask). But I had clearly underestimated Jack's dirty mind. And his ability to convey it in a simple text message. Quite a talent really. Crikey.

She gives me her sweet smile, head slightly quirked to the side in concern. "You all right Ianto? You look a little flushed."

Thank God Jack wasn't there to hear that. He'd crease up laughing. There would be a battle of innuendos that would further warp poor Gwen's mind. It would not be pretty.

"Yes he does look rather _hot_ doesn't he?" An all too familiar voice cuts in with perfect timing. Of course.

Damn! He could at least stop smirking. I daren't make eye contact with him. Might spontaneously combust as a result.

Gwen stifles the giggles once she worked that one out. Then she faces Jack with a smile.

"I was just wondering what he was smiling about is all..."

I could kick her, but that wouldn't be very gentlemanly of me.

I risk a glance at Jack. Boy does he look pleased with himself... Despite the discomfort, my heart rate quickens at the sight of him. I guess that's to be expected now we've crossed the line. Every line.

"Morning everyone!" Excellent. Tosh is now on the scene.

"Nice one coffee boy." Owen snatches a mug away with the manners of a chimpanzee.

Brilliant. The whole gang is here. _And_ Owen called me coffee boy. He knows how much that irritates me. I'm about to unleash my witty come back - something that involves Owens's anatomy and a pair of his forensic tweezers - when Jack interrupts.

"Okay campers I got a little field trip for you."

Gwen perches on a nearby desk, holding her coffee, "What are you talking about Jack?"

"I hope you don't literally mean campers - as in camping?" Tosh adds nervously.

Owen dumps his usual charm to the mix. "Yeah because last time there were cannibals. And the shitty countryside air... And did I mention the _cannibals_?"

Jack smirks and holds his hands up as if to shield himself from their questions, "Whoaa, whoa. You all need to relax. Learn not to take things so literally."

"What _do_ you mean then..." I hesitate, "Sir?"

He observes me for a while, his smile almost predatory. I suppose it is amusing, for me to be so formal after all the things we've done together. All those things we've whispered... I shiver, intoxicated. At least until jack announces: "I need you three," He gestures at Gwen, Owen and Tosh, "to do a little recon."

"What kind of recon?" Asks Owen, eyes narrowed with scepticism.

"Retcon-Recon."

Tosh and Owen frown in confusion.

"Beg your pardon?" Asks Gwen.

"Reton-recon." Answers Jack, "You know, just check up on the latest humans we've given retcon to in the last six months. Make sure they're okay. And that they only remember what they're supposed to remember."

He always sounds dangerous when he says things like that, but I smell a rat...

"ALL of them? In person?!" Tosh chimes in incredulously, "But that's hundreds!"

Jack smiles wickedly, "I did say only the humans!"

Owen is no fool. "And you only want me and the ladies to do this ridiculous task?"

"That's right." He smiles smugly, "It's the personal, human touch. Thought you would be proud of me." He directs that at Gwen.

There's a silence until Owen bursts out, "Bull! You only want us out of the way so you can shag Ianto!"

Floor. Swallow. Me. Now.

"Hey hey, that's very judgemental of you Doctor Harper - for shame!" Jack's actually enjoying this.

"Oh come on, we're all thinking it." Said Owen, sounding exasperated.

I feel my face flush with embarrassment and mild fury, "Then you all should get your minds out of the gutter. That's not what Jack meant!" I whirl to face him, "Is it Jack?"

Evidently it is because he responds by pulling me into his arms, still smiling that infuriating smile.

I bat him away furiously, very aware of the others' prying eyes. I guess I can be ruffled after all.

"Oh come on Ianto, I'm just kidding." He places his hands firmly on my shoulders so I can't get away. "We really should check up on our amnesiacs - they're our responsibility after all."

Yeah right. I'm so sure...

I ignore him and face the others, feeling the strange need to explain. "We're not just about _that_..." I trail off, letting my eyes appeal to Gwen for some moral support. She smiles understandingly, but motor mouth ruins the moment.

"How did you guys know about us anyway?" Jack doesn't sound at all annoyed like I am. It's just.. I thought we were _private_. And embarrassingly, I thought that made us more special.

"You're about as subtle as a humping puppy Jack." Sighs Owen.

Gwen adds, "Plus there was the time I stopped myself from walking in on you two, in your office that one time."

Little Tosh pipes up, "And then there's all the CCTV." We all gape at her, "Not that I was spying or anything." She adds hastily.

Feeling a little shell shocked, I eventually manage to choke out, "Well this is a beautiful moment really, any chance can we change the subject please?"

"Ianto?" Jack's giving me that concerned look again with those eyes that are so easy to get lost in. "It's okay you know?"

I suppose it is to him, but I've never admitted that we're in a relationship to myself, let alone everyone else.

I manage a shaky smile, suddenly realising how unfair I'm being to Jack. I've always wanted him to see me as something more than a sexual object and now I'm panicking about it myself. I am utterly ridiculous. So is he though. This is how he chooses to announce that we're together? This pantomime? He planned this from the start I bet! I shove these petty thoughts aside, realising what's really important. Jack.

"I know it is." I whisper and he places a hand on my cheek and kisses me softly. In front of everyone else. Dead romantic.

And yet I couldn't care less.

The kiss intensifies and his hand trails down my neck. His lips on mine start to draw heat from somewhere much lower...

"Ah-hmm?" We break apart to see the team watching us with varied expressions (Owen = disgusted, the girls = slightly embarrassed and maybe a little turned on).

Jack ignores them, "We have got nothing to hide Ianto Jones. Which is very good because..." He leans closer and whispers - no growls, "I want the whole world to know that you're mine."

Well I suppose that's okay then!

* * *

Ironically, he still made the others count up all the enforced amnesiacs. It was a apparently a punishment for being "interfering, authority questioning nags!" Not my own poetic words. But I could tell Jack didn't mind really, if his attitude towards me that night was any indicator...

Wow.

I smile at the memory as I presently lounge in my hospital bed. I really need to reminisce about happier memories right now because I may have ruined everything between us. I try to sit up straighter and wince at the overwhelming pain in my chest. Sick leave - what a pointless waste of time. Who would have thought an arrow to the chest would take such a bloody long time to heal?

For once this wasn't Jack's fault (well, not really). It was me. I've ruined everything. My health, my job and more than likely my relationship with Jack. This hurts most of all.

And what did I do that was so terrible? I'll tell you.

I tried to save Jack's life.

Yes, I tried to save Jack's life. That doesn't sound too horrific does it? But think about it though. I tried to save the life of a man who cannot die. And what screams 'I love you!" more than that I ask you?

I am so screwed.


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks again for the feedback, you've been so lovely and encouraging. **

**For the record, the song I mention is called 'There is a Light That Never Goes Out' and it's by The Smiths. I love The Smiths, even if Ianto doesn't!**

**Let me know what you think.**

* * *

__

The day before...

"And the calls were saying _what_?" I choke out.

"That it's like a hobbit with extreme skin troubles." Replies Tosh, nonchalantly, as if she were telling me the weather forecast.

"That's gotta be a wind up hasn't it?" Owen chips in.

"Nope," Says Tosh, checking her hand held computer as the SUV whizzes through the night to the scene of the latest disturbance. "And here's another report coming in: an emergency call saying there's a goblin with leprosy on the loose."

"You've got to be kidding me!" Jack calls over his shoulder from the driver's seat. The glimpse I get of the look on his face is utterly priceless. I would laugh, but that would be inappropriate of course.

"The latest sighting was in the Queens Arcade Mall minutes ago." She adds solemnly. "I don't know what it is, but it's definitely spooking the locals."

"A goblin in the mall... Definite wind up." Owen repeats, sounding very matter of fact.

Gwen glances back at Tosh, Owen and I from the spacious comfort of the passenger seat, "Well I don't know about that. If a blowfish can drive a sports car, then why can't a goblin go shopping?"

"I hear they're big fans of Anne Summers." Announces Jack distractedly as he manoeuvres the car through the darkened streets of Cardiff.

I catch his eye briefly in the rear view mirror and roll my eyes at him. He smiles cheekily at me before returning his attention back to the road. Owen watches this exchange and deliberately misinterprets it (of course).

"Hey, what you and Ianto get up to in your spare time..."

I pretend to be exasperated by sighing heavily as Jack laughs a little too heartily from the front seat, "Honestly Owen there's a goblin with leprosy on the loose and all you can do is make jokes about our sex lives?" I shake my head in mock pity.

"Make that an armed Goblin." Interrupts Tosh, looking worried, "They say he's using a crossbow of some kind."

"Well that's new." Says Jack. "And try to remember there is no such thing as goblins people. If it isn't a nutter in a mask then it's most likely an alien."

"Do you hear yourself speak sometimes?" Laughs Gwen, "Aliens are real but _goblins_? Preposterous!"

"I'll believe it when I see it," Jack explains patiently. "Could be a Graske though or possibly a slitheen, now _they_ know how to party..."

And he's off again, listing the many possibilities that we have no way of understanding. I always wonder how he knows so much about the universe. Maybe one day he'll open up to me again and I'll be able to ask him. Maybe one day I won't _have_ to ask him...

There's an odd silence as he finishes his speech. I can't account for the others' awkwardness, but all I know is when I here him say things like that, it really hits me. How unique and other worldly he is. It's easy to forget that sometimes because I feel so comfortable with him. So happy... But there's always a catch to happiness isn't there?

Jack is immortal. I'm not. He'll never die. I will.

I know that all Torchwood staff come with an early expiration date on their lives (except for Jack's), but I want mine to be a long time from now. Will he even remember me, years from now, when I'm gone? I hope so. I hope he will. But sometimes I really doubt it. And that just...

That just breaks my heart.

I push these thoughts aside and try to concentrate on the job at hand.

Goblin-alien with a crossbow. Never a good thing.

We pull up on to the pavement with a screech and confidently pile out of the vehicle

"Toshiko: clear these people back." Jack orders, indicating the terrified locals who had gathered around outside. "Gwen, let's talk to Cardiff's finest, find out what's happening - we don't want to go in blind." He gestures at the police and we follow (though he hasn't told me to do so for some reason).

Gwen's friend PC Andrew Davidson is there (of course) and she strolls up to him with a nervous smile, "Hey Andy, what's going on then?"

He sighs in a melodramatic way, "I ought to have known your lot would show up."

"You psychic then?" She asks sharply, clearly not appreciating his reluctance.

"No Gwen. But when a little wrinkly goblin-man starts firing arrows at startled shoppers I would expect no less."

"Oh God, did he hurt anyone?" She asks with concern.

Andy looks satisfied with her reaction. "A couple of near misses and someone took an arrow to the leg. We're still waiting on an ambulance."

Jack turns to Owen, which is unnecessary since he's already jogging over to the wounded party.

Andy then looks at Jack and me and points at the mall entrance. "He's in there. He smashed into Archer's Camping Store and took a crossbow so he's definitely armed and dangerous. Well go on then! I've held my own department back for long enough." Oh thanks Andy! _'He's armed and very dangerous - go on then_!' Very encouraging! Yet the three of us turn to make our way towards the direction he was pointing in (because who else is there?), not glancing back until he yelled: "You're welcome!"

He may be a bit whiney and annoying, but the indignant Welsh tones made me do it, "Thanks Andy!" I shout back with a sheepish smile, ignoring his surprised yet pleased expression.

I shrug and Jack smiles and shakes his head at me in an indulgent fashion. But we soon have to get serious.

We cautiously enter the building, alert, tense and weapons drawn. To our dismay there is a trail of blood along the polished floor, most likely from the man who had been hit previously. Also, the mall has a balcony that overlooks the very wide, open space that is the ground floor. Only plastic chairs surround the downstairs Starbucks. This meant there was little to no cover for us and the harsh florescent lights didn't help much either.

We each hide behind a pillar. Jack in the centre, I flank him on the left, Gwen on his right.

I don't know what was going through my mind at this point. A concealed part of you sort of takes over in a way that you don't really think about. That side of you that automatically starts counting the exits and scanning for danger in an effective manner.

But then I heard it. A slight rustling noise from above, then there was a gentle whoosh sound through the air.

"Gwen duck!"

Jack's warning is just in time and an arrow embeds itself in the plaster pillar right where her head was seconds before.

That didn't come from the balcony.

We all turn to the right - the direction the arrow came from - and see a blurry shape move with surprising speed into a new location.

The bastard's in _Topshop_, I kid you not.

We dubiously follow. This situation is little better than being so exposed, now he has plenty of places to hide amongst clothes racks and mannequins.

"Alright, at first I was willing to talk, but now you're trying to hurt my friends and that won't do at all." Jack sounds menacing. I doubt our weapon-happy friend will reveal himself now.

We split up into an arrowhead (ha-ha) position, slowly trekking though the shadowy shop. Ironically that miserable yet jaunty Smiths song plays in the background. The one that goes _"To die by your side is such a heavenly way to diiiie_..." I have the ridiculous urge to laugh hysterically but resist. _My life_ Ladies and Gentlemen! I shut it out and really listen. Didn't have to try hard really.

A raspy voice cackles dryly, like brown leaves scraping across a pavement. "And I had so hoped _we_ could be friends..." It's cold, sarcastic and makes me shiver.

We try to camouflage behind clothes racks in a deadly game of cat and mouse. Jack laughs humourlessly: "Why don't you come out and introduce yourself then?"

There's an ominous pause. And then, "I already know who you are... bloody Torchwood!" Colloquialisms just sound plain weird coming from that scratchy voice. Well, anything would really.

It sounds like he's right in front Jack. I slowly edge my way towards him. The voice notices, "Aw how _sweet_!" A mannequin head suddenly explodes in front of me, shattering from the impact of an arrow. I let out a little yelp and freeze, before reminding myself that bullets are faster than arrows.

No good if there's nothing to target though.

"Now that was uncalled for! What's your problem anyway?" Jack's voice is high with indignation, but his face is tense, scanning for a target.

That creepy laugh again, "I'm just having a little fun!" Then without warning, what I'd mistaken for a mannequin suddenly leaps out from the shadows, pointing the crossbow at Jack's neck, about six feet away.

"Let him go Goblin!" Shouts Gwen.

"That's not very nice of you." He rasps, "I'm an Almec if you must know." Ahhh. A mildly psychic, mentally unstable alien. Make that _very_ unstable.

He _does_ look like a goblin though - admittedly an impeccably dressed one - in a smart suit no less. He's about four feet tall though, a brownish-green colour with deeply wrinkled, flaky skin. He has a puff of sparse grey hair and a nasty grin that shows a mixture of little pointed teeth and stubby fangs. He's shaking, clearly off his face just like that blowfish before. When will they learn drugs and aliens do _not_ mix?

"Oh I'm sorry the attempted murder must have made me a little cranky now drop the crossbow!" Gwen orders, pointing her gun at its head.

"We will shoot!" I roar aiming for his head too.

"Ooooh scary." He laughs, suddenly switching from smug to frightened at an alarming rate. "You should be _thanking_ me! You should _want_ to die in a blaze of glory like I do. I've seen what's coming! You _can't_ stop it! It'll be better all round if you let it happen _fast_." He's actually crying, sounding pitifully desperate. We exchange alarmed looks.

"What do you mean?" Asks Jack, "We can help you if you just tell me what you mean."

The posh Almec lets out a wrenching sob, "You can't. It's better this way though. With you all out of the way. It is it is it is..."

Then he raises the weapon and tenses, about to fire.

Then I snap.

One minute I know that Jack is going to die in front of me yet again. The next, I know, I just _know _that I can't just let it happen.

I move, meaning to push him out of the way, hoping that Gwen would take the initiative and slay the mini nightmare in front of us. Somehow my plan went drastically wrong.

Oh yes, there was a gunshot which was followed by a reassuring explosion of green goblin blood that effectively coated the store. But what I couldn't figure out was why I was suddenly in excruciating pain. Or why I couldn't breathe suddenly. Or stand. My legs give out and I fall in a blind panic, suddenly noticing an arrow sticking out of my chest. This lead to my first coherent thought:

__

Well **that's** not good.

"Ianto!" It's Jack. Lovely Jack. He's scooping me into his arms. Everything's going to be alright now... I'm sure. Yet why does he sound so scared? Oh! And he's hurting me, really hurting me, his hands are pressing down harshly on my chest. I groan with pain and try to wriggle away.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry but I need to stop the bleeding." He sounds like he's sobbing. Since when does Jack sob?

I just about hear him order a hysterical Gwen to fetch Owen and an ambulance, which was a good thing because her shrieks were very distracting - I'm trying to get lost in his pretty pretty eyes...

I think I'm passing out.

"Stay with me Ianto! Stay awake!" He pulls off his gorgeous coat and swaddles it around the hole in my chest much to my horror.

"The blood..." I whisper, feeling woozy.

He strokes my cheek, pressing around the wound with the other, "Don't worry, I'll stop it." His voice is very shaky though...

"No I mean... You'll ruin your coat."

I think I'm losing it.

He pauses, clearly thinking along the same lines until he bursts out laughing (but it sounds too much like crying to be reassuring), "You are unbelievable." He briefly kisses me on the lips. I should be too numb to feel it, but I do. I always do.

I wish he'd remove the arrow. It's rather disconcerting seeing it just poking out like that. I feel sick. So cold and sick and tired...

"STAY AWAKE!" His eyes are swimming with tears. "Don't be an idiot! What we're you _thinking_ Ianto?! I can't die _remember_?" He sounds so furious with me, I can't stand it. "I can't die but you..." He trails off, pulling me closer. I feel an alarming dampness spreading to my back as well. "You CAN'T leave me okay? Not like this! _You shouldn't have tried to save me_! I can't die..."

It's agony, but I don't want him to let me go. My mouth tastes metallic so I spit to the side. It's blood red, but at least I can talk better now, "I didn't mean...didn't mean."

"Yes?!" He's desperate to keep me awake and I'm desperate to tell him something. It's something I know I'll regret sharing, but I doubt I'm going to make it anyway. I'm not stupid. I try not to cry or babble on about expiration dates, concentrating on saying what needs to be said. It's so hard. I am so very tired...

He gives me a tiny shake and I groan.

"Ianto?! Please...Don't go."

I'll hang on for him.

Because I have to say it.

"I know you can't die Jack." I whisper with an extreme effort, "But... but that doesn't mean I _ever _want to see you get hurt."

And with that, the world slowly goes dark. The last thing I see is his face, filled with extreme concern and pain for _me_. What more could I ask for?


	4. Chapter 4

****

Thanks for the feedback as always! You keep reading/reviewing, and I'll keep writing.

**AN: I know nothing of medicine, so suspend your disbelief and just _enjoy_...**

* * *

_The last thing I see is his face, filled with extreme concern and pain for me. What more could I ask for?_

How about a chest that doesn't have a hole in it and a stash of Retcon please?

Not that I could get away with retconning Jack... Could I? No! Still, the temptation to wash away my own stupidity is overwhelming, but realistically it just wouldn't work. We may be lovers yes, but he's still my boss. Plus the others would instantly know if I did. Someone taking an arrow to the chest for you isn't something you just forget overnight. _Unless _I wipe Tosh, Owen and Gwen's memories too! And maybe my own just to complete the set, yes. I could put it in the morning coffee and...

No!

I could just imagine going down that road...

__

"Dearest Ianto, pray tell me why there's a socking great big hole in the middle of your chest?"

"Why nothing fair Jack, it's just a birthmark/little scratch/acupuncture session gone wrong?!"

My mind slams shut that crazy route. What is the matter with me?! I can't think straight when my head is so lost in a haze of pain. I was previously zonked out on painkillers, smiling blissfully in the land of nod, and could be again with the push of a button. But I don't want to miss Jack if he comes by. It would be so easy to do. When you're whacked out on painkillers, you tend to spend a lot of your time staring contentedly into space, or examining the wonders of a particularly interesting brick from a distance...

The perks you gain from working in Torchwood.

One of them being a completely messed up and yet strangely beautiful relationship with a handsome, immortal Captain who doesn't bother to visit you when you're hospitalised by a drug-addled goblin with a grudge.

Or maybe that's just a Ianto Jones perk.

I fiercely wipe away the tears that threaten to fall, feeling ridiculously maudlin. I vow that as soon as I can actually sit up without feeling like my chest is going to ignite, I will discharge myself (since no one from Torchwood has bothered to do so for me, which is actually standard procedure but never mind). It may take a while since I hear a partially-collapsed lung takes time to heal. Damn it.

"Is that paining you sweetheart?" A cheerful nurse swans in, pulling back the blinds to let the mockingly bright sunshine in.

I grit my teeth and swallow my sarcasm. It's not her fault my life is a colossal _joke_, "Nope. Just a little bored is all." My throat is so raw, that I just wish she would leave so I can conserve it.

She faces me, eyes narrowing with suspicion before chirping at me in her little Welsh accent, "Men! I don't know why you feel you have to suck it up and feel the pain. Unless that's just the Special-Ops way or something...?" She adds, just a little too casually.

I smile sweetly in response. "Don't know what you mean I'm afraid." Her smile falls. "And I am really am just bored. Sorry."

I don't know what I'm apologising for. I suppose it's for her disappointment. When a man gets wheeled in with an arrow sticking out of his chest, the temptation to ask questions must simply burn. Especially when the police are ordered not to follow it up, or at least I assume that's what happened anyway, since I haven't seen any of my _friends yet_.

Her irritated expression is quite sweet really. So is she. Tiny, blond and full of an almost manic energy. She keeps herself busy as she asks questions. _Aha_, so she drew the short straw to pump me for information...

"They ought to lock up the person who did this to you..." No comment. "And I'm sorry but I just don't believe that it was an accident darling." My smile is getting strained. "I s'pose your little team will be back soon won't they?"

I snap out of my miserable stasis. "What?"

"Well they just seemed so worried. That dark-haired Welsh girl was crying her eyes out bless her."

Gwen.

"They were here? Where? When? Did they leave me any messages?" I gabble in a rush, which inevitably lead to a painful coughing fit. I left out the most important question: _What about Jack???_

She clucks over me, handing me a drink of water and helping me straighten up by arranging my pillows. "There now sweetheart. Remember what the Doctor said. You've got to take it easy." She tries to pass me the oxygen mask but I refuse with a wave of my arms. It's too constricting. Like the IV drip attached to my wrist. I resist the urge to tear it off.

"My friends, please?" I throw her a pleading look.

She sighs and to her credit doesn't lord her knowledge over me. She could so easily withhold out of spite for my lack of cooperation earlier.

"They were here for the past few days with you, while you were on the ventilator." She frowns slightly, "Actually I tell a lie. It was mostly that handsome one. We couldn't get him to leave your side while we were stabilising you."

I gasp, "Jack was here?"

Her face brightens, "Yes that's him. He left only when he knew you were stable. Said to tell you they had work to do, but that he'll see you soon." She looks hopeful, "Do you think he'll be back soon?"

Typical Jack, flustering the nurses. I can hardly begrudge her obvious crush on Jack though can I? "Hard to say." I mutter thoughtfully in response.

* * *

"You should be dead you know."

Startled from the brink of sleep, I jump about a mile and immediately begin coughing up a lung. O_uch_...

"Hey easy, easy Ianto..." I feel a shift of weight on my hospital bed as Jack moves towards me. And it _is_ Jack. I wasn't sure before because I was dreaming of him but now I _know_. His hands are gently rubbing my shoulders in a circular motion, willing my body to relax. Gradually, it begins to work. My chest loosens and I can breathe again.

"Jack?" So disoriented, I squint in the dark but there's no mistaking him. The glowing emergency lights of my private room frame the silhouette of his perfect face. I sigh.

He shushes me softly and lies down on his side next to me. It's cramped and impractical, but he gathers me in his arms and I suddenly wonder what I've been worrying about all this time.

We lay in silence and I battle not to fall asleep in his embrace. I press my face against his chest to hear his heart beat. It is always a soothing, beautiful sound to me. He's never more touchable or human to me when I can hear his heart. We can both hear mine thanks to the machinery monitoring it. I hope that won't get embarrassing...He inhales softly and places a kiss on my cheek. The monitor beeps speed up slightly. I can feel him smile. Part of my brain registers we should be discussing something, but I can't break this moment.

Jack can.

"I'm going to speak Ianto Jones okay?" He pauses and I hear the click of his throat as he swallows. "I'm going to speak and you're going to listen."

I make a small hum of acknowledgement, too content to particularly worry (the painkillers may have something to do with it too. Yes, I gave in, I'm not Superman).

There's a hitch in his voice as he continues, and a harsh quality that I don't like. "You nearly died."

I _know_. Sleepy. So hard to care...

He pulls away and I almost topple out of bed from the suddenness. "Do you hear me? Do you understand?"

"Yes, yes..." I reply, trying not to whine.

"No I don't think you do."

I manage to hoist myself into a sitting position, feeling a little like an overgrown turtle, but he offers me no help. He just keeps staring at me in that cold manner. We're face-to-face and he looks absolutely furious.

"If it wasn't for that alien healing device we found weeks ago, you wouldn't be here at all."

That caught my interest, "It actually worked?"

His voice is flat, "Are you still alive?"

I wince, stupid question.

He elaborates, "It's run out of energy now, but I _think_ it was worth it don't you? I don't like that emphasis at all, it's like he's not sure of that fact.

I am _not _going to cry.

"Look, I'm sorry -"

"Not good enough." He gets up and starts to pace, voice getting louder. "What if Owen had actually listened to the rules and hadn't brought it with him? What if it didn't work? What would have happened then Ianto?!"

A wave of fury dries up any possible tears. How dare he? I've been shot, abandoned and now yelled at for doing an inherently good thing. What _is_ going on?!

"Then I guess it wouldn't matter would it?! Since I'd be dead and all, problem solved!" I yell back sarcastically, voice in agony, heart beat racing. "Congratulations Jack! You've delayed my death for a little while longer!"

He makes a gasping noise; it's as if I've punched him in the stomach. "You - you don't say that."

It's all pouring out. So are those horrific tears. I gasp, "Why not? We're not going to grow old together Jack. We both know _that_, and I _can't_ stay with you forever. Especially not with this job."

He shakes his head.

"You know it." I whisper sadly.

He looks so hurt and completely stunned. A glimpse of a real person underneath the bravado. But then he composes himself and retakes the moral high ground. "That is all the more reason for you not to risk your life for someone like me! Someone who cannot die!"

"Well I change my mind, I'm not going to apologise for trying to save the man I'm in a relationship with." Unfortunately I sob a little, "I _want _to be stupidly over protective with you, and I want to do all those stupid little things couples do Jack Harkness…" I reach out and take his hand.

He studies our linked hands and then pulls away from me. He looks at me sadly and I can't bear it. It's almost pitying. "But we _can't _be like that_. _I'm not normal. Never will be." He shakes his head and I suddenly want to grab him. Hit him or kiss him, anything to erase that awful look. "I just don't want you to get hurt like this you _idiot_."

He then mutters worse names for me whilst running his hands through his hair, looking desperate.

And I know - I just know - in one terrible instant that he's going to break up with me. For my own good of course. I explode, since there's nothing left to lose…

"Well _tough shit_!" I roar. "I love you! I _want_ to protect you. I _want _to not just stand by and watch you die because every time you do it kills me too!"

There is an impenetrable silence.

What the hell have I said?!


	5. Chapter 5

**Woohoo we've reached twenty reviews! You people are lovely. **

**Warning: Subtle foreshadowing of their futures. Read only if you already know. Oh yes, and here there be man kissing, but I doubt you'll have made it this far if you're not cool with that!**

**QUESTION: Do you think I should up the rating?**

**So without further delay...**

* * *

I wish my dream was real.

Granted, it was confusing, drug addled and composed of a strange mixture of memories, riddles and the imagination but still...

I'd take it over _this_.

It was before Jack woke me up, that's the dream I am referring to. Before everything fell apart. Before _I _fell apart. It is definitely preferable to this awkward moment. No, that phrase does not even come close to accurately describing it. There is an uneasy silence. An invisible wall between us because I can't bear to look at him. I am drowning in the discomfort of my own creation.

I really wish he hadn't awakened me now...

* * *

_I don't know where I am. It's not my place. It's not his either. He has no such place to speak of. No home, no mortality, no real name... He's not real. Like a ghost that can never die._

_It is a cool, modern penthouse with wide framed windows that overlook a sleeping Cardiff. The city lights glow like stars beneath me and I feel like I am on top of the world... A convincing illusion. Maybe everything is just that._

_I suppose it is a bedroom, with bare polished floor boards and a large white bed which is the only furniture I can see. Minimalistic. I press my forehead against the cold glass pane, my breath clouds it. I suddenly feel an overwhelming surge of unbearable loneliness. Is this how he feels? If so, how can he endure it? So cold, the white sheet around my lower body provides no warmth at all..._

_Then bare arms encircle my waist, gentle and warm, the cold just melts away. My loneliness eases. I feel safe and wanted..._

_I melt too, leaning back into his touch. He nuzzles my neck with his cheek, placing lingering kisses on my shoulder that make me shiver. It is searing, just like when it's real. Exactly like when it's real. His hands stroke my chest and I gasp, pressing against him as he reaches lower..._

_"Why are you so lonely?" The question tumbles out with a sigh and feel him smile, but sadness rolls off of him in intense waves._

_"I'm not when I'm with you." He rocks against me and my breath hitches. "I'm just waiting for the day."_

_A breathless whisper is all I can manage, "What day?"_

_"Not sure." It is his turn to gasp when I jerk back against him, still pressed into the glass. Then he whispers another riddle, sounding so sad, "Just counting down 'til The 456..."_

_He turns me to face him, hands either side of my head, fingers spread against the glass, effectively trapping me. He pushes his body against mine, breath now ragged like my own as he grinds against me. He pants, suddenly pleading between breaths," Don't leave me." There is raw desperation in his eyes that is more than enough to alarm me._

_I hesitate before pulling his face to mine and crushing our lips together, kissing him passionately. I answer only once I resurface for air, "I'm not going anywhere Jack."_

_It's not enough to reassure him, in his eyes I see scepticism battling with need. And lust. He roughly slams his body against mine and..._

"You should be dead you know."

_"Jack?"_

The dream is broken.

_

* * *

_

I don't know if it is significant or not. I don't even know what it means, but I'm finding it incredibly difficult to shake off. He has often held me like that, from behind and in his arms. I guess the rest was simply created from wishful thinking and my near death experience.

My mind is going round in circles, and that only leads to madness so I snap again. Get it over with. "Oh just say something will you?"

That was very Welsh. I always emphasis my vowels when I'm stressed. It's a natural reflex. Jack pointed this out to me, saying he thought it was cute. I laughed and told him to shove off (all in good nature of course). I'm suddenly close to tears again over the memory which is strange since I'm not normally a very emotional person. Wouldn't believe it would you? I blame the meds. And possibly the fact I'm so tired (it's about three in the morning - thanks Jack) and in a lot pain.

Or it could be the fact I told someone - well, shouted actually- that I love them. And all he could do was look at me like it's his first trip to the circus.

"Sit down Ianto." He says gently.

That's probably a good idea since I've dragged my equipment around with me, I'm shaking from the effort of standing up and wheezing attractively just to top it all off.

I slowly sink onto the crackly bed, wincing. He still doesn't offer any assistance.

"I don't know what to say."

I blink at him, trying to convince myself that I am past caring. "Doesn't matter."

He crouches in front of me, but I look away, "Ianto..." A touch of my cheek.

I knew he wouldn't say it back. The L word that is. I didn't expect a movie star kiss and undying declarations of true love. He wouldn't. He couldn't do it. I realise that now. But I had just hoped for more than this.

"I wish I could be more for you." He states simply, as if he'd read my mind. "But I can't. I can't say that." He sounds close to tears too. God help us.

I look at him, asking a silent _why?_ with my eyes.

"It's because..." His voice breaks and he clears his throat, "It's because I would break your heart."

I stare at him, mouth hanging open.

He continues mercilessly, devoid of expression. "And I would completely destroy you."

I open my mouth to protest, but he shakes his head before kissing me tenderly instead.

When we part he concludes: "This is all I can be for you. I'm sorry."

I process everything he has said. He's just a walking contradiction. I don't know which of us is more confused. He wants me, but not all of me. He won't say he loves me back, but doesn't want to break my heart? He doesn't want to see me get hurt, but he's the only thing in this world that can hurt me this bad anyway.

I'm just as bad. Anyone with a shred of intelligence would end things with him. Where can it go? As I have said before, we can't grow old together. We won't ever have a family or age at the same time. We shouldn't work. But we do. I know I should stop this, but I also know I won't. Not for anything. He's mine. And he may not ever admit this, but he knows that too.

"Then I'll take it." I finally reply, meaning every word. "Some things are worth the pain."

He looks doubtful and torn up inside, "Ianto, I couldn't ask you to - "

"You don't have to." I give him a shaky smile. "Please, I'm so tired and so…" I sigh, "Can't you just hold me?"

He doesn't even think about it and the next minute I am lying in his arms, squashed and cramped on the little bed, but perfectly comfortable in a strange way considering all that has heppened between us. I don't think the air is clear between us either.

I teeter on the edge of sleep when a thought occurs to me, "Would it help if I took it all back?" I mumble into the hollow of his throat and try to smile weakly, "Practical joke?"

"Yeah good one." He answers sarcastically with gentle humour before sounding sorrowfully serious, "And don't you dare take it back. Please don't take it back."

He clutches me closer to his body and in that instant I realise something and smile.

He couldn't bring himself to say he loved me. Centuries of tradition are hard to break after all...

He never said he loved me, but he also never said that he didn't.


End file.
